|Red velvet pancake from The Griddle. Are you drooling?|
|Oreo stuffed pancakes. You're definitely drooling now.|
Hello, and welcome to Hotel Dickherber,
where the air mattress is free as long as you don't mind some doggy paws
stampeding into your bed at the butt crack of dawn.
Here at our fine establishment not only do we function as concierge and
room service attendant*, but we're also happy to chauffeur your butt around the city
to any place on our growing list of cool locations and activities.
(*Maid services not included. Because, really, this is me we're talking about.)
Activities include, but are not limited to:
*Trips to the Hollywood sign, where I will refuse to take a photograph of you
pretending to hold up the sign because face it, you'll just look silly waving your arms all over
the place trying to position your hands correctly.
*Nighttime trips to the Santa Monica Pier, where I will embarrass you by toting around
my tripod and stopping every two seconds to take pictures of the lights.
(Because 98734 pictures of the Ferris Wheel is NOT ENOUGH.)
*Drives south to Laguna Beach, where I can tell you more about Lauren Conrad's
high school days than you'd ever want to know.
(Singing of the Laguna Beach theme song available for an extra fee.)
*Bonfires on the beach that will leave you smelling like you stuck your head
in a fire pit even days afterward.
Prefer not to take our word for it?
Then, please, listen to the glowing testimony of our most recent guest, Amanda,
who spent the last week in our company.
"Hotel Dickherber was by far the most comfortable, classy and crazy amazing
place I've stayed in my entire life. I would live there if I could. It was even better than
a chocolate shop filled with cuddly puppies and rainbows."*
(*This quote is a straight up lie. I just made it up in its entirety.)
I know what you're thinking. An experience this lavish must cost a fortune.
This fabulous vacation spot can be yours with just a sworn statement
promising that you'll compensate Andrea with lots of ice cream for every night of your stay.
But don't delay. We're already all booked up from July 31st-August 14th.
Which means I should probably start the cleaning process for our next visitors right now.
And by that, I mean I should probably start thinking about cleaning for our next visitors.
And by that, I mean I should probably start procrastinating
thinking about cleaning for our next visitors.
And by that, I mean I'm going to go eat some ice cream in our messy apartment.