Thursday, March 12, 2015

It's not the story I wanted.

Over the past two years, I've started to write this story so many times. More times than I can count.

First, it was a story about waiting. Waiting to try - until we both felt ready.

Next, it became a story about trying - about each month that ticked past with only a handful of one-pink-lined pee sticks, 10 pounds of stress-eating weight and one stint of probably undiagnosed clinical depression to show for it.

And suddenly, it became a story about miscarriage. And that soul-crushing, rock-bottom-hitting kind of heartbreak that goes along with it.

Finally, a year of trying had passed and it became a story about infertility - the unexplained kind - and I had to do a bit of a reality check. Because my life - the desperate baby-wanting, the punishing my body with food and lethargy for its lack of cooperation, the total lack of ambition for anything unrelated to pregnancy - had become a very unhappy and unhealthy place.

And then, after one round of failed IUI treatment and Clomid, we decided that maybe we needed a break. Because fertility treatment takes a lot out of you - weekly appointments, uncomfortable side effects and the necessity to drop everything and run to the hospital at the first sign of ovulation. We had travel plans that would interrupt our appointments and the holidays were right around the corner and I just couldn't imagine how I would handle it all. So we resolved that we would wait three months before doing a second treatment. In the meantime, I would try to refocus on the things I used to love, we would ditch the ovulation kits and basal body temping and fertility charts. We would return in 2015 for a fresh start with a fresh attitude.

We started taking herbal fertility supplements, but I had zero expectations (which is really saying a lot for this girl who had managed to remain 100% hopeful and be completely crushed month after month after month...). In September, we flew to Missouri for a friend's wedding (Ryan a groomsman, me the photographer) and I stayed an extra couple weeks to throw myself into more photography projects. I was a hot mess, but I was trying, dang it! At the end of the month, I headed back to California.

Then it was a Friday afternoon, a few days after I'd returned. I was loving the fall breeze, cleaning the house like a madwoman and waiting for Ryan to get home so we could go out for Mexican. I went upstairs to jump in the shower and while I waited for the water to warm up, I had the urge to take a pregnancy test. I knew it would be negative - I mean, I knew it, I KNEW it - but sometimes you just have to see the lone line for yourself to prevent that dreadful optimism from festering up inside you. I took a test and hopped into the shower before it was finished.

Twenty minutes later, I stepped out into the steamy bathroom and saw the stick - the test I had completely forgotten existed - perched on the edge of the counter, displaying a very distinguishable TWO pink lines even from several feet away. My heart was racing - but everyone knows pregnancy tests can't be trusted after 10 minutes. I took another test (thank goodness for internet cheapies) and watched it like a hawk as it went from white to one line to two. And wow - those feelings were the kind of feelings I can't even describe.

It's been odd not having an outlet for my writing, but I just wasn't ready to talk about what was happening (or, rather, not happening), and fertility issues can be so all-consuming, I couldn't imagine talking about anything else. And a little part of me felt a bit guilty and embarrassed to be going on like this, because to those who have been trying to have a baby for 3, 5, 10 years, our wait to have a lasting pregnancy seems laughable. But now, about 24 weeks later, I'm sitting here all fat and happy at 28 weeks pregnant and I'm finally telling this story I've been trying to begin for months and months.

It's certainly not the story I wanted, but I'd like to think that maybe there's a really good reason it's the story we ended up with.


10 comments:

  1. I can't imagine what you've gone through, so I'm certainly not going to string together a bunch of words that sound like I can fathom it. I do know it can be ridiculously tough when the story we live out is not the one we would've written, but praise God for you being fat and happy (Channing Tatum calls that 'fappy') and 28 weeks! :)

    What blessing and I can't wait to read about this next chapter!

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    1. Thanks so much, Maggie! We're feeling so completely blessed and excited for everything that's to come :)

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  2. First of all, hey! I used to follow your blog back in the day and saw on instagram that you wrote a new post... Girl, I feel you on all of this. We have been trying for over a year which, like you, I feel so guilty complaining and acting like it's the hardest thing, because so many have waited a lot longer for a baby. But no matter the length of time, it has been really hard. We have that same "unexplained infertility," and it is so frustrating to not get any answers or know why it's not happening. I'm genuinely SO happy that it happened for you and that pregnancy is going well! I know it will happen for us eventually, it's just hard to accept that it's in God's timing and not mine. I have learned a LOT in the last 2 years (wanted to start trying before the hubs and had to wait for him to be on the same page - seriously there is so much of your story that is similar to mine). Anyway I just wanted to say that I'm happy for you! Also am curious about which fertility supplements you used ;) we haven't tried any of those yet!

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    1. Thanks, Laura! We're beyond thrilled :) I hope, hope, hope the timing comes sooner rather than later for you! I definitely felt like it wasn't necessarily the waiting that was so challenging, but the just not knowing - I'll be thinking good thoughts for you!
      The supplement we used is called FertilAid (I did the Fertil-CM and FertilAid for women and Ryan used the FertilAid for men). It wasn't too expensive (especially compared to fertility treatments!), had TONS of good reviews and didn't have any adverse side effects. I can't know for sure if it's what helped or if it was just our time, but I'll absolutely try it again next time! :)

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  3. Congrats!!! So happy for you guys!! I'm sorry your story has some bumps along the way and as a fellow infertile, you are blessed now and the best days of your life are on their way!! Having my son now after our struggles just solidified that!!! Enjoy every moment of your pregnancy!!

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    1. Thanks, Ashley! The bumps along the way has definitely made me ridiculously appreciative of everything, from the nauseous mornings to the swollen feet! :) We're loving it all!

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  4. Congrats! I follow your blog and I was wondering what happened. I'm sorry you had to go through such struggles along the way :( but I'm so happy that y'all got what you've been trying for in the end! Also you're two weeks ahead of me ^_^

    http://thebeauchamps13.blogspot.com/

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  5. Oh my goodness!! Congratulations!!! So so wonderful!

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  6. I am so sorry that you suffered a miscarriage and all the struggles but I am so happy to say CONGRATULATIONS!!! How amazing that you felt an urge to take that test!!

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  7. Hello long lost blog friend!!! My biggest and most sincere congratulations to you!!! I can completely relate to your feelings of month after month of getting your hopes up and then being crushed when the test was negative. It is a horrible emotional roller coaster...but I am so incredibly happy (for the both of us!) that we finally got that positive test. From one mother to another, welcome to the wonderful world of pregnancy and soon to be motherhood! It's a wonderful, wild ride!

    PS - Missed your writing/blog/humor/etc & so glad to see you're back!

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This is the part where you tell the pups how cute they are.
...but seriously, thank you so much for stopping by and for your wonderful comment! I read them all and try to respond as often as I can. We hope you visit again soon :)